fly to the sky

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

NUS Commencement 2009 prelude

There really isn't a fixed stipulated attire to wear underneath our graduation gown, after I've search all over online. My supervisor told me that her overseas university see senior graduands running around naked in campus before their convocation. These people would also be stark naked underneath their graduation gowns. This kind of reminds me of the graduation ceremony in the movie "Patch Adams". But I'm not so deviant to try this.

Excited to be at the convocation in a few hours time. To do a checklist, I haven't ironed the gown, pick and iron my white-collared shirt, I have yet to pick the perfect pants. Need to check the battery life of my digital camera. I have to source for a photo studio to do a family photo shoot. Actually after all these hassle, I just feel like keeping it simple and take a few pictures with friends will do and a simple photo shoot in a studio with my family in the near future. This afterall isn't my marriage day.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Second week into the working life

Second week as a social worker is exciting yet challenging at the same time. I have already seen four clients who have cried before me during these two weeks, of which only two I have offered tissues (at least the crying and tearing got milder towards the end of these two weeks). To conclude, tissue paper is essential in the counselling room.

It is only times when I'm on the bus ride home that I will reflect about what I've done right or wrong in the day's work, only to realise several mistakes. Now I know I have difficulties showing empathy (i'm a rather cold person in comparison to my supervisor/mentor). I have difficulties rejecting people who are not exactly eligible for assistance at our centre. I am also not "on the ball" sufficiently to keep me ready to make the right responses in the counselling room. I also have difficulties handling aggressive people who wants whatever help they can get.

I miss school life. I'm having my convocation soon. And I'll lose most of the privileges as a student (a ST article reported that many graduates still unabashly use their student card for discounts). Responsibilities will only increase with increased income at home; responsibilities will also increase with time in the organisation. I can see work being arrowed in my direction, the learning curve is steep because I can't observe and learn before I start on my own.. especially for an upcoming children's camp in November. HAHAHA i'll laugh my way through. Fortunately, I don't sense office politics as yet (this is inline with my belief that social workers are nice people). Fortunately again, colleagues funny batch of people and they are helpful towards my questions. Fortunately, I don't feel threatened by another new colleague in our office who came in five days before me (Yes, a vegetarian can be competitive. Being freshly graduated, helps me remember the skills I've learnt and how to apply them).

I should just count my blessings and strive forward in the face of challenges.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

After my first week of work

I've started my first week of work at moral organisation (didn't want to type out the full name of my workplace so that google doesn't find it here). I would say that work is rather pleasant at this moment, when I'm still familiarising myself with the workload, people and culture.

I would say that I can already see my work piling in, it's just a matter of time. Right now, I think I too slack as compared to the other colleagues, but one co-worker warned me to be careful of what I wish for. I guess I'm just blessed that peer support would be there when I need it.

Workload wise, I would be doing a STEP-UP programme with a secondary school in the north and children's programme to cater to kids in our zone. I'll be heading a children's camp and conducting a few activities probably on my own for the children's programme. Furthermore, I'll be doing casework and counselling. good luck and all the best to myself. Me as a camp commandant? hahaha..

The organisation's culture I felt was amiable and helpful in general. I usually get my questions answered almost immediately, some even go the extra mile for me which I really appreciate. (An issue is that I really need to learn how to be comfortable thanking others for offering help. ) Generally workers there don't have a culture of one-hour lunch break. Many would bring their lunch boxes and have lunch in the office or get one person to pack lunch from outside. People regularly eat in the office and I feel that we work and eat together, in front of the computer. Well, the consoling part is that people knock off on-time so I don't have to compete with my boss about knocking off after she leaves the office.

I forgot about the class gathering yesterday. My appointment with some friends was postponed and I only remembered of the class gathering only at 10.20pm while I'm at home. I'm getting forgetful and perhaps I'll start to dislike the fact that appointments are cancelled last minute.

I discovered something yesterday, I should have bought my concession bus pass long ago because it was pro-rated to the number of days left for me to use my concession. Very smart system indeed, so I spent $5 buying a 3-day bus concession till 30th June. I could have saved at least $20 if I had bought it before the class chalet's amazing race! ah.. whatever. I think I'll start feeling rich by the end of next month I guess, that's when my pay is coming to me.

In the past week, we've seen the demise of familiar people, Anthony Yeo and Michael Jackson. Gone were the days when I'll be anticipating to read the Anthony Yeo's column on The Sunday times. As for Mr. MJ, the king of pop, although he became bizarre and weird-looking facade, he did have very good works that millions of people would imitate. I didn't expect that a fellow colleagues' client actually told him that "even MJ can die, means that I will die soon too" because the client has an age close to MJ. Goodbye to these two great men.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Sentosa day!

I killed a fly today, I guess that it’s a blue bottle fly because of its blue body. Well, it actually sort of killed itself since if flew into the gravy sauce of my overpriced noodles (S$6.50!). I am now in Sentosa, alone. Why am I here? Because a year ago, a group of Social Work students brought some Malaysian friends to this offshore island to have fun, sand and sea. Two friends and I signed up for the Islander Card which allows us unlimited access to this sunny island for a year. So far I’ve only entered the island thrice, and today being the fourth time. I’ve not exactly utilized the card as much as I wanted. Thinking that I can come here anytime that I want, for stargazing especially, but that didn’t quite pull through. So here I am utilizing the card as well as patronizing the food outlets here on this island. The sunset is pretty nice here, with pinkish red hues over the blue sea. The two towers that marked the southern-most point of the Asia continent near the Palawan beach is quite stunning with their lighted roofs, and hidden behind some coconut trees and all. There’s also a sort of Sentosa radio station playing very beach-friendly and Hawaiian-feeling music behind me amongst the palm trees. There are also kids playing at the fountains nearby.

This time spent alone also allows me to do some reading, The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, a book that was loaned to me by Peijie for more than two years perhaps. I’ve also got to do some reflections, although the crowded beach is rather distracting, beaming with people, noises and music. Sometimes I think about why I am who I am today, other times I think about the future of me and my family.

Recently, perhaps because I have just finished watching two heart wrenching dramas, I’m more actively thinking about two issues. One drama is the Taiwanese drama ‘Defeated Queen’ about how a 33-year old workaholic, career-minded, pretty successful lady who is still single. She is a victim of social pressures of being un-ladylike because she is too successful in her career but still unmarried. She ends up with a man 8 years junior of her age ultimately, only to face more social pressures because of her seniority and gap in social circles with the guy. This is a drama with a happy-ending. In fact, I’m truly afraid I’ll end up like her or perhaps worse off, without any love relationships encountered or one that would end up in marriage. Two of my single friends who have also watched this drama also expressed similar fears.

For one that has not been in a love relationship, is worried that she has lost her market value among the people of the opposite gender since it has been long enough since her the last time she felt being loved. 想爱却又怕受伤害的人 – like how a trailer of a Taiwanese drama once said. But more importantly, I don’t want to hurt another if I don’t think I can commit to a relationship. I can only continue to wait for the Right one to appear. But I wonder how long that wait would really be. I think that dramas and anecdotes of friends about love relationships have somehow affected how I view love. Sometimes I think I easily take things for granted including how my parents offer help and gifts to me. Other times I think I’m just too hard to please, like jokes and gifts often don’t impress me very much. If I remembered correctly, my primary love language is quality time and physical touch is in the second.

Another drama that I just completed was Korean drama ‘Who Are You?’ This drama sets its story of a 20 year-old girl who lost her father in an accident which left feeling lost all of a sudden. She used to treat her father rudely and disliked living with her father under the same roof. But after she lost him, everything seems to fall apart. Her father, who also couldn’t bear to leave her, remained around in the mortal world doing things with/for her by possessing another guy’s body. In reality, I’m a little concerned about losing my parents anytime soon. I’ve not talked about what good death means to them. I remembered the last time I’d talked to them about this issue, they sort of brushed it off like it’s a frivolous topic. Especially since my dad has been losing quite a bit of weight too soon, without any conscious attempt to lose weight, I really hope that he’ll be okay. I can’t fathom the thought of losing any of my parents now; it’s a bit too soon for me. Yet I am not so sure where to start to show that I am genuinely worried for them. We are a family who is not sure of how to express love.

Talking about death, a must-watch film is Departures. This Japanese movie is about a guy who had to become a makeup artist and embalming professional as he became unemployed when his orchestra was wind up. Although the film did not have a high climax or an exciting storyline, it was the emotions that were played up through the various stories behind the dead people and how societal stigma to such a profession, that had kept me engaged. I can remember the lady who watched alone and sat next to me taking out her tissue quietly, my friend on my left also took out tissue the same time I wanted some tissue too. I cried like nobody’s business. I’m usually conscious about how I behave in public including in the cinemas. Crying until you need a tissue to wipe is pretty exaggerating for most movies. But since so many were weeping into tissues, and that I was crying too much for my fingers to wipe, the tissue had to make an appearance. I used three pieces, each was soaked through. I think I can cry again if I were to watch it again.

Just as I thought that I’m a very emotional person, my classmates tears shed upon the class video clip done by William at the chalet, told me that there are more emotional people out there. There’s nothing wrong being emotional, it’s just that I don’t want to end up being in the extreme, and I especially don’t want to cry in front of my future clients when they weep and told me their depressing stories.

This world is filled with love and unspoken love. It is still very difficult for me to fathom separations in relationships, mine or my clients, that I will face in the future.

Monday, June 15, 2009

the last weekend before I start work

I went for a fantastic chalet early last week (9th to 11th June) organised by William for the Social Work Honours Class 08/09. Unfortunately, I can't cycle and hence I was not able to take part in the night cycling event on the first day (8th June). I took some amazing pictures of our last gathering together. Some of my classmates have already started working, but it was still deemed the honeymoon phase so they were still coping well. While I have been travelling and for most of the days in the past month, I still felt like I've not rested enough. I think I just can't get enough of slacking at home and picking up the storybooks that PJ had lent me years ago.

I was also asked to quit Nokia when I was travelling in Cambodia and Vietnam. And I've packed the phones and uniforms ready to return them later in the coming week before I start working. I've also informed my tutee's mother that I will need to stop tuition from next month onwards. I'm trying to move on with the preparations but I can't seem to be emotionally prepared to accept the fact that my working life with be a long one and I better cherish the last times I can enjoy as a student, or perhaps an ex-student.

The privileges that I've lost as I stepped into full-time adulthood: the student transport concession fares, the various student discounts that I can get at f&b outlets and fashion outlets, like newurbanmale and free entrance to local museums with my NUS matric card. It's not that I'm an avid fan of newurbanmale, but the fact that there is an avenue of discount that I can tap when I want to is a pleasing factor - the benefit of being a student. The student life also comes with the benefit of lesser responsibilities at home and I think, more importantly, the stressors of financial support for the family.

Time just doesn't seem to be on my side or perhaps I'm just very bad at time management, in making full use of my free time now. I'm just a couch potato in front of my TV set and computer most of the time, monitoring updates on facebook from my recent chalet photos, playing the bejeweled and 'spot the difference' applications there and watching the korean drama 'Who are you?'. Even updating a post on my blog is an issue cause I just feel like procrastinating updates. I just can't seem to move on. The happy past still lingers on and updating it seems like i've written those happy memories down in history and a full stop is drawn - now what will the future behold ahead of me?

Saturday, June 06, 2009

White Water River Rafting

Another graduation trip to River Nenggiri in Kelantan Malaysia (1st June - 4th June 2009).There were sixteen of us who paid for this trip organised by Cherlyn, my classmate. However, she was unfortunately taking the same airplane as the girl who was the first confirmed H1N1 flu case in Singapore. Hence she had to be quarantined at home and had to give this trip a miss.

It was my first time taking a train to Malaysia and many of us got excited too. Unfortunately, the air-conditioning system was down and most of the windows of the train cannot be opened except for mine and jolene's. I had a relatively good sleep there. Reaching the Gua Musang station (means Fox Cave in Malay) at about 5am, we did a short wash up at the train station. I saw a pitiful grey kitten, who had a limping left hind leg and a short tail which was suspected to be cut off by some evil person who tied a rubberband around it (I've grown to have stronger affinity to cats since I reared some, but still didn't dared to touch strays). We then had breakfast and took a 30 minute long lorry ride to the riverside. As most of us were standing at the back of the lorry, the wind was so strong, our caps flew and I literally felt strong wind gushing through my face, I must have looked distorted then. haha.

When we reached the river side, we took turns to pump our inflatable rafts. They found me funny because I pumped harder when I had Shem in mind, accumulated all the hatred and stepped on the pump faster and harder than them. haha. We put on our gear and headed down the river stream, only to find the water not white but brown. In fact, the sand looked like it had gold flakes! At least the water wasn't musky or muddy.

The rafting is said to be 62km long, to be completed in two days. The first day was relatively quite peaceful, with few rapids and excitement. Night was spent in a tent with 3 others, and though BBQ dinner was said to be offered, I only had fried rice and baked beans which wasn't barbecued. The others had barbecued chicken but wasn't satisfied since it was far from what we expected in the pre-planned itinerary by our Singapore guide. I've also had my first experience group bathing in the river with relatively strong currents. Of course, washing myself in moving current and in a group was no easy task, i actually ended up not feeling clean.

The second day of rafting was full of surprises. Towards the last hour of rafting, there was a deep rapid that my raft collided with Eleen's raft and four out of five members on their raft capsized including their guide. It was very scary then, and I find myself paddling to keep our raft in safety and only looking at Eleen in the rapid waters, after I realised that most of her raft members were in safer waters except for her. Fortunately, everyone escaped unscathed but this was after Eleen and another bumped their heads against the bottom of their raft and she managed to swim to safety after bumping to several rocks and avoid getting caught under a caved-in rock under the water. Her guide who wanted to swim to save Eleen, was also swept into another whirlpool which he got sucked in four times and drank two cups of water in two minutes of struggle. Eleen lost one slipper and her guide lost his helmet. They were really lucky that day.

My raft mates, Ling Fang, then kind of offended the guide of Jolene's raft and caused him to drop into the water when he wanted to drag LingFang into the waters. Jolene then took it as a reason to go after us and we paddled for the hardest and longest time ever. Suqi, Chyi Yueh, Ling Fang and I paddled very hard, initially too scared we were out of momentum. Then we paddled until Jolene gave up on our tail. But our cheeky guide steered our raft towards Jolene's and they found a reason to "attack" us. Jolene climbed onto our raft and went after Lingfang, and I was also dragged into the water by Jolene's sister-in-law. Thinking that I didn't know her in-law very well, she might not sabotage me but I was wrong. I went in head first, with by back rolling over the raft. I was pushed into the water three times that day, by Xiongkun's guide and by my own guide, Jus (aka Orange Juice as I thought it's easier to remember his name that way).

That day ended with heavy rainpour and another bath in another river near the house of Xiongkun's guide. He let us put up at his place and served us hot tea before we took a bus to the KFC near the train station to head back to Singapore. The train was delayed for close to two hours and hearsay indicated that a child was hit by the train in an accident. When we clarified with the train staff the next morning, it was a 24-year old man who wanted to throw his cigarette butt out of the train door, who was slammed by the heavy door and flinged out instead. He was seen flying out by another Chinese man who alerted the train staff and went back to search for him in the dark. Fortunately, he was still alive and sent to the hospital in an ambulance then. We finally enjoyed air-conditioning and slept in comfort on the train back to Singapore. Eleen said we were suay on the second day, and the train staff didn't pray for safety that day that caused the accident. Apparently, Malaysians said that such train accidents were pretty common.

=) this ends my post on the 4 day trip which is actually 2D2N excluding the travelling time. I enjoyed the trip because it's something adventurous that I've not tried before and the good company of social work friends. Some people felt that the quality of tent, food and activities were not good enough to justify the over $300 we have paid and decided to write in to the Singapore guide (Pac-west Pte Ltd) to demand an apology. The outcome is still pending.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

A day in Phnom Penh

Saleha, Shem and I arrived at Phnom Penh, Cambodia yesterday. After a long 8 hour bus ride from Siem Reap, it was difficult to set foot on the lands of phnom penh as we were too tired and dazed from seating in the last row of the bus. Apparently, we missed our 7am bus due to the late pickup from our guesthouse, and hence we need to take the 7.30am bus, only to be shoved to the back of the bus.

We were told there were only two stops along the way, which in fact there were numerous stops for people to go down and up the bus. And soon the bus was fully seated, even small kids have to sit on their parents' laps. As it was a cheap USD4 that we have paid for the bus tickets, many local Cambodians were on board except for one dreadlock foreigner and us. For a many moments, I felt like a zoo animal being stared on by fellow Cambodians on board the same bus, especially from the four monks that sat directly before us, on a lower platform.

At the second official stop, the bus stopped at a place where fried crickets and other insects were being sold. We were rather amused and I was glad that I finally saw what I've seen on TV, insects being eaten. There was also two little girls who attempted to sell fruits to me. What was scary was not the pestering, but the tarantula spider that one girl had don on her chest. Hope I can upload pictures of her soon.

Unfortunately, Saleha fell sick since the bus ride and is suffering from food poisoning. We went to a local clinic today, and had to postpone our itinerary today till tomorrow. She took 4 jabs and have 4 types of medications that she'll need to take. Nonetheless, I still proposed to go to the Tuol Sleng Museum this afternoon where it used to be a S21 prison during the Khmer Rouge Regime from 1975 till 1979. 3 Years, 8 months and 20 days of occupation isn't very much like our Japanese occupation. I'm deeply saddened by the atrocities that I've seen, as killings and brutalities were done by Cambodians on fellow Cambodians to achieve extreme-Maoism, in modern times very recent to us. I'm just glad that it's over now, and I hope that people can achieve peace and strength to build more fulfilling lives now.

Phnom Penh is rather different from the more simplistic and less developed Siem Reap. I see more motorcycles, cars and vehicles on the roads here than in Siem Reap. Infrastructure of the city is more advanced, street kids here are more aggressive, in that they will touch Shem and kick bottles to hit our feet.

In summary, I'm glad that I can take ownership to plan something for my friends , in visiting a museum that I wanted to go. I'm also glad that I'm blessed to be in a stable country without civil wars and together with my family members. It's good to reflect on how I'm blessed with once in a while. =)

Saturday, May 09, 2009

feeling a little out of sync

I know that deep down in my heart, I really really liked my classmates and I can't bear to leave them. There are many reasons that graduation would put a tear to my eye. Most importantly, I know I can't have enough of the craziness of my classmates. And also we would never be able to come together to do all these crazy antics ever again. That's when the harsh reality sets in.. I have to grow up and be a working adult soon.

I was reflecting on what I've done in NUS just now, and what have I done that was memorable and meaningful. Feeling a little groggy as I have been busy this entire week, mainly for the Wonder Girls' performance for the Social Work Graduating Cohort Dinner and Dance on 7th May, I also find myself a little moody (which I presume is the prelude to my monthly periodic cycle).

I was thinking about my days part of the Society of Social Work Students, being the Marketing director, I didn't do much on my own and supported others in their activities. I was thinking of why my Chairperson didn't persuade me to continue the legacy in the following exco, why she didn't persuade me to take over the top positions. Then I realised that I didn't perform up to the standards of a leader. I think I'm a natural follower. But it seems like deep down, I crave for attention and recognition and this is something I'm still learning to manage with.

I've learnt that being late is no good for how others perceive me. As much as I try to be independent and non-chalant, I'm very affected by how other people perceive me all along. This year, I did not set a new year resolution to not be late for appointments but I am still persistently late, at least for 60% of the meetings I've had in this year. I need some scolding and some blaming. Recently, someone said I was always late for the Wonder Girls practices, so I decided not to be late again (at least for the next 3 months).

My head and my heart is out of sync, I want something but I do something else. I want to be perceived as a responsible person, but I'm persistently late. I was punished yesterday by paying a high cab fare to the DnD last night (that costs more than the meal itself), because I had dilly dally my way, and played facebook applications before that. And more importantly, I had lost my credibility to some friends as being responsibly punctual. I ought to be punctual from now on.

My head wants me to be a leader, simply because of the benefits of recognition and attention. But my heart doubts my ability to perform up to that standard and also prefers to take a laid-back attitude towards things. Taking the back-seat always seemed safer. Sometimes, I just don't know what I want.

xoxo

My younger brother, who was enlisted on 24th April, is finally back today! Seeing him with very short hair is something refreshing, although my family still isn't quite ready to accept him as a man, we still treat him like a baby in the family.

My two kittens, or rather cats Tiger and Panther, are back today as well. They have been away for at least two months. They were brought to a farm area in Lim Chu Kang sponsored by a cat lover in the neighbourhood, who have graciously housed, vaccinated them and sterilised the female Panther. They have certainly grown a lot and I hope someone can adopt both of them soon.

I'm going to Cambodia and possibly Vietnam next Tuesday, 12 May. This is going to be my first experience backpacking although I wouldn't bring a backpack, instead I'm bringing my black Guess sling luggage. Hope that the brand is not that prestigious for others to want to eye on it. Hope it'll be a safe trip for Saleha, Shem and I. Will be away till 28 May, then off to Malaysia for river rafting from 1st to 4th June and chalet stay at from 8 to 11th June. My post-exam class activities is pretty packed, only to know that I may have to start work on 15th June, instead of the initial preferred choice of 1st July. sighs.